Oh the Memories

I woke up early this morning from a weird dream, and couldn't fall back asleep. A whole HOUR early mind you. Bleh! The dream didn't have any people that I knew, but one person in the dream reminded me a bit of a guy I was crushing on in 8th grade. I think of him as "the one that got away". Not in terms of marriage or anything like that. Just a boy I liked that could have been more, but I let it slip away.

Here's how it went...
This guy and I were friends. Like pass notes in class, sometimes talk on the phone kind of friends. On our infamous 8th grade field trip, a "friend" of mine talked me into just telling him how I felt. Oh boy! We all know how that can be. The whole, "if I tell him, and he doesn't like me back, then I just ruined a good friendship" thing. Well, I kind of ruined that anyway. Oh but I had help!

After one day of walking around the sites of DC with this guy, my "friend" (and I say "friend" because she turned out to never be a true friend) talked me into calling him that night and telling him I liked him. (Is this sounding so VERY 8th grade yet? LOL!).

As so I did. I think it went something like, "Hi. I like you. Like you like you." and then hung up. Actually, I don't remember what I said. I think I blocked it from my memory as one of those traumatic times you don't want to remember. I was SOOO embarrassed! I was not like my "friend" who was a flirt, and was bold with nothing to lose.

I stressed over this the whole next day, still feeling extremely embarrassed, and not wanting to see him because I might literally die of embarrassment...because that's possible when you're 14 you know.

And so I did what any mature 14 year old would do in this situation. I found him at lunch and told him that I didn't like him like that, and walked away.

And now to the "friend". She was good friends with his friend. His friend told her that he (the guy I liked) liked me too, and was going to ask me out. She knew this as I decided to take it back, and go tell him I didn't like him. She knew this after the fact when I was still embarrassed, and completely miserable. And I didn't find out she knew until it was too late, from another friend who thought I should know.

Looking back, I have always wished I'd have had the guts to go talk to him again. I never did. I am a coward that way. Needless to say, 2 friendships were ruined that day. Though maybe one never really existed in the first place.

And I kind of feel bad. I screwed up and lost a friend, but he did too. For all I know he didn't really care. But I know I did, and so maybe he did too. And for that, I'm sorry.

So he's my "one that got away". Now let me be very clear. I don't think about him in the "What if we'd gotten married" sense of "one that got away". I'm absolutely head over heels in love with my husband, even when he thinks my pillows are ugly (oh, you just wait until tomorrow!) But this guy is more of the "What if I'd had a boyfriend that summer, and maybe (hope against hope) slightly into high school. Would it have made those teen years a little more bearable? Would I have gained a bit of confidence? Or would the inevitable break-up have made it even worse?

If I could go back, and change one thing thru those early teen years, I think it would be that. It's the one thing I wonder the most about. But then, would I be the same me? Would I have met my husband? Because if not, I wouldn't change it. That whole crazy butterfly effect thing.

So there you have it. One weird dream, and I get all thoughtful and sentimental today. Oh the memories.